So, as some might consider it, I’ve been published. I’d like it to be known that all I would like to do is burn the thing and start over, because…deleting, duh. And also, because this writing thing is tough shit.
To my complete lack of surprise, I am terrible at grammar. Taking a University level course in it has only cemented that thought. Please feel free to comment on any mistakes you will most likely come across in this blog, you intelligent grammarian you. I couldn’t tell you how many hours I spent reading, re-reading, reciting aloud, getting other people to read, and then staring at until my eyes wanted to fall out and there were still over 50 major grammatical errors in it. This thing is now in print, forever cementing my horrible mistakes. It’s essentially a first draft. But that’s the thing with self-publishing. Unless you are a whiz at grammar, a master storyteller, or Hemingway, how will you ever know that it is perfect and ready to be published?
I’ll tell you a secret.
This is the eleventh time that I have written this post. Normally, I write down my thoughts, check for any blatant errors, and hit publish. But for some reason now that University grammar and self-publishing has kicked my ass, I can’t seem to write anything down without second guessing. But then, the more that I thought about it, re-wrote it, and subsequently deleted it and started over, I realized that I keep second guessing everything.
I turn 25 in a week.
The thought of being 25 and divorced makes me want to curl into a ball, eat pop tarts and cry while listening to T-Swift sing me the lyrics of my soul.
The thought of being back in school, just starting on my way to a career that I could only dream of, makes me feel sad for all the time that I wasted. And then the memories flood back and all I want to do is turn back time and start over.
Much like my story, forever published with many obvious errors; my life is now forever adjudicated as an error, a misstep, and I can’t take that back. Damn.
But somewhere along all my self-pity, and second guessing, and constant never-ending questioning (Did I handle that the right way? Could I of changed something? Did I try hard enough? What could I of done differently? Should I have done that?) I’ve realized that I will always make decisions, write stories, and live life in a sort of ‘first draft mode’; and I am totally okay with that. And even though my first drafts are a little messy, there are a few holes, and they aren’t too polished; they’re still completely me.
Check out this first draft, which I went through and partially tried to repair, whilst shaking my head in shame. If you feel the need to support my education of grammar and how to properly write (kidding, all proceeds go to charity and more self-publishing gems), please go HERE and purchase or review the neat little anthology it’s published in. It’d make mine and six other authors’ day.